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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 28, 2012 7:00pm-7:30pm PST

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thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you're too kind. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) folks, folks i wish everybody at home could be here in the studio tonight. these people have made me feel like king of the road. (laughter) (cheers and applause) thank you for joining us. nation, i am happy. it's the christmas season. or as my jewish viewers call it: christmas. (laughter) no exceptions. but there is one bit of yuletide news that's making visions of anger plums dance in my head. jim? >> one man's heart is two sizes too small this holiday season. he was arrested in canada for lying and telling kids that santa claus doesn't exist. 24-year-old man walked the parade route in ontario saying "santa's not for real."
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>> stephen: nation, this story sickens me. this canadian grinch just let the cat out of the bag. or, as they say in canada, the beaver out of the beaver pelt satchel. (laughter) they've got a lot of beavers up there. it's actually something of a problem. (laughter) but what can i say? there's no point denying it anymore: there is no santa claus (audience reacts) in canada. (laughter) okay? (cheers and applause) down here he's real, okay? and he brings toys to all the good girls and boys-- just not in canada. (laughter) sometimes he flies over canada on his way to america from the north pole and occasionally he'll stop at a tim horton's so his reindeer can use the bathroom. (laughter) word to the wise: don't go in after donner, okay? (laughter) there's a reason his name is german for "thunder."
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(laughter) but he doesn't stop in canada. i mean, think about it. a flying bearded man delivering toys all over the world in a single night? that doesn't make any sense. he only has time to do it in one country. so obviously he's going with america. (cheers and applause) why do you think people come from all over the world to live here? our health care? no. (laughter) we have santa. so don't worry, canadian kids, you still have a santa, it's just a canadian santa. every year i believe it rotates to a different canadian celebrity. last year it was nelly furtado-claus. this year it's rush. so that jingle you hear on the roof is just neil peart breaking into a 45 minute high hat solo. (laughter) now, folks, it is the christmas season and the fact that canada doesn't get one brings us all
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joy. (laughter) but let's not forget that there's always something out there to scare us. for instance, when the clock strikes 12 on new year's eve you can kiss your date and you can kiss our economy good-bye. because we will all be going over -- >> that fiscal cliff. >> fiscal cliff. >> fiscal cliff. >> that dreaded fiscal cliff. >> stephen: yes, the dreaded fiscal cliff. an unavoidable money will technology the razor-sharp financial rocks below. it all started back in 2011 during the showdown over raising our debt ceiling when republicans wanted spending cuts and obama wanted to raise taxes. which led to a budget crisis that congress solved by not solving it. (laughter) instead, they handed it over to something called "the supercongress" which couldn't fail because it was super. (laughter) unfortunately it was also congress so it failed. (laughter) and as a result -- (applause) as a result -- (applause)
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as a result, folks, we are facing another thing called sequestration which at first sounds like rationing the amount you can watch "sea quest." (laughter) but it's even worse than that. (laughter) sequestration is automatic spending cuts that both sides agree would trigger a new recession. it's like congress put a gun to the economy's head and swore it will pull the triger if congress doesn't put its own gun down. (laughter) it's kind of like a mexican standoff without any mexicans. (laughter) of course, obama's answer to this budget crisis is to raise taxes on the wealthy just because he ran on that promise. and won the election. (laughter) it's like he's totally disregarding my dismissive finger quotes. what part of this don't you understand president "o" bama. (laughter) here's what's really scaring me,
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folks. republicans might let him do it, even though every remember in congress has signed the new taxes pledge created by the president of americans for tax reform, grover norquist. (thunder clashes) the two most terrifying words a republican can hear other than "buenos dias." (laughter and applause) but now some republicans are abandoning the anti-tax pledge as fast as they abandoned -- oh, what's his name? (laughter) i got it, don't help me, don't help me. rip flambe. (laughter) no, no, that's my personal train trainer. (laughter) no, the point is conservatives are jumping ship. >> i want to buy down debt and cut rates that create jobs but i will violate the pledge, long story short, for the good of the country. >> i'm not obligated on the
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pledge. the only thing i'm honoring is the oath that i take when i serve -- when i'm sworn in this january. >> a pledge you signed 20 years ago, 18 years ago is for that congress. for instance, if i was in congress in 1941 i would have signed the -- supported a declaration of war against japan. i'm not going to attack japan today. the world has changed. >> stephen: you heard it, folks. congressman peter king is not only raising your taxes, he's surrendering theojo and his boys. (laughter) not me! i will never give up the tight against emperor hirohito and his kamikaze beast men. besides, that's a lot of tough talk from a known lesbian. (laughter) grover and i know that the pledge lasts a lot longer than two years. >> congressman peter king of new york knows full well that the pledge that he signed and others have is for why you're in congress. it's not far two-year period. >> stephen: yes, an anti-tax pledge is eternal and
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unbreakable. it's like a pact with the devil or a gym membership. you'll get your money, rip flambe! (laughter) (cheers and applause) and folks, peter king is not alone. all of these republicans, this box of peach crayolas down here -- (laughter) all of them have v the balls to say they don't feel bound by the no tax increase pledge. what the hell is going on? here to tell me what the hell is going on, please well from "national review" and co-author of "brand new party, how republicans can win the working class and save the american dream" reihan salam. reihan, thank you very much. (applause) the book is called "the brand new party." let's talk about this grand new
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party. i don't understand, is this the end of an era? why has the republican party lost their spine? >> the truth is republicans are facing an incredibly difficult political environment and a really challenging fiscal environment as well and that's put a ton of pressure on adhering to the pledge. >> stephen: isn't grover norquist going to bring down the hammer on these guys come midterms? >> it's very hard to say because in some places-- for example south carolina and georgia-- that's very possible. but you have to understand --. >> stephen: real america. >> exactly. but, you have to understand -- hey, i'm from brooklyn, my friend. that's real america, too. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: no, excuse me, calm down, that's "real" america. it's ironic patriotism. >> america has changed a n a lot of ways over 20 years. one of the big changes is that we have a lot more people over the age of 65. and republicans, like democrats, like programs like medicare and social security so when you have a lot more old people, those programs get more expensive and that means that it's hard to keep tax levels exactly where
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they have been during the bush years. >> stephen: that's fine. but why is this happening publicly. why are people like lindsey graham and saxby chambliss saying this sort of thing in public? is there a new political environment where these congressmen, these senators want to appear reasonable and responsive? >> it's more than just appearing reasonable and responsive. >> stephen: really. can't we just appear in way and then later get what we want. want? there's more than one way to skin a cat here. >> you might be aware that republicans really like a guy called ronald reagan. perhaps you've heard of him. >> stephen: i feel a ronald reagan tattoo on the small of my back. >> i should hope so. >> i'm getting a reagan tattoo on my face. but what i want to tell you is that ronald reagan agreed to tax reform that led to lower tax rates but also higher tax revenues from rich folks because it got rid of loopholes and deductions. >> stephen: you lower tax rates, revenues get higher. i already said that earlier. >> it's a complicated thing.
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>> stephen: it's not complicated lower/higher. >> you can get revenue gains from making it cleaner and fairer and more transparent and that's what republicans --. >> stephen: wait, simplifying the tax code, closing loopholes, is that not raising taxes? are those two things different? >> you have hit on a very tricky and important issue, stephen, which is that, yes, there's a way to raise average tax rates on high earners without raising the marginal tax rate on high earners. >> stephen: wow, i'm interested in what you just said and yet it's incrediblebly boring at the same time. (laughter) >> fair enough. i'm trying to say that you can industrial a 35% top rate and say wait a second, rich people are not able to take the same kind of deductions that take take under today's tax code. >> stephen: by'm a rich person, why would i let dhopl that? >> you might do that because you might see that that would be better for the country as a whole. >> stephen: yeah, but -- (laughter) >> deductions reward certain kinds of economic activity and punish other kinds.
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>> stephen: what about kind? how about getting paid a lot of money to do a t.v. show? who gets rewarded on that one. >> let me give you a for example. mitt romney, you might remember him. >> stephen: mitt romney! >> your favorite! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: bless his name! the it was right there. it was on the back of my head. i couldn't remember that guy. yeah, i remember that dude. what happened to that dude? >> he floated the idea of a deduction tax at $50,000. now, if you have a deduction tax that's that high, you're going to hit very high earners but raise a ton of revenue. you're going to raise $800 billion over ten years which is exactly what president obama had asked for and agreed to with speaker boehner back in 2011. now president obama is saying he want mrs. revenue. he wants $1.6 trillion. but that's big progress and you don't have to raise the top rate to get there. >> stephen: okay, what happens next? do we go over the cliff? does this happen before the cliff or after the cliff? or do we make the deal as we're plunging towards the red sox. >> if we go over the cliff then
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suddenly grover norquist's pledge becomes inoperative. >> oh! so he's powerless. it's like someone guessed his name and sent him back to the forest. (laughter) well, please come back when we find out what happens. >> absolutely. >> stephen: thank you so much. reihan salam, "the grand new party." we'll be rig
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight is a legendary
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singer/song writer who has composed over 3,000 songs. i'll ask her if one of them was "gangnam style." (laughter) please welcome dolly parton! (cheers and applause) what a pleasure, thank you so much for coming on. >> okay! >> stephen: what an honor to have you on. >> well, it's a pleasure to be with you. i watch you all the time. >> stephen: as a little boy growing up in south carolina i watched the water waggoner show. >> that's great! >> stephen: huge country music show saturday afternoons right after the cartoons were over and i always had to see whether dolly was going to be on the show. >> i started that show in 1967 so you was a tiny little thing. >> stephen: i had a little crush on you. i did. >> thank you now! >> stephen: and you know you've done it all, you're a country music and a crossover legend,
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queen of both country and pop, sold over 100 million records, "jolene" "coat of many colors" "i will always love you." you've been a songwriter, singer performer, oscar nominee, emmy nominee. what is it that you haven't done that you would like to do? >> i want to do more of the same stuff and i just wake up with new dreams everyday. i never know what i'm going to do next. >> stephen: so basically you want to say to god "i want more of the same, please." >> i'll take another round. >> stephen: okay. well you've got a new book called "dream more: celebrating the dreamer in you." >> yes. >> stephen: do we really want to dream more? because i often dream about fighting bears. (laughter) >> well, you probably do, but you need to dream more. so if it's good or bad, this book talks about dreaming more and being able to get out there and put wings and legs and arms on your dreams. in other words get out and make them come true. >> stephen: wings on your
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dreams. >> wings on your legs, arms on your dreams. that sounds like a hideous dream monster. >> well this is really a little book that all the money goes to the foundation, we have a literacy program called the imagination library. >> stephen: what is the imagination library? is that a library full of imaginary books or is it a -- >> (laughs) no, actually, it's a library where we actually give children a book a month from the time they're born until they start school so they can learn to read. it started in my hometown and --. >> stephen: in severeville. >> in severeville, tennessee. you're one of the few people that ever says that right. >> stephen: well, i'm from the south. that's a tough name for a child to grow up in. severeville. >> that's how you pronounce it. >> stephen: was it severe? >> well, it was at times, yeah. >> stephen: you're one 1206 kids. >> that's right. six girls and six boys. >> stephen: i'm one of 11 kids. eight boys, three girls.
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>> well, you're probably catholic, right? (laughter) >> stephen: and i'm guessing you're not! >> we were just hillbillies. (laughter) i guess you were too, right? >> stephen: how fast can you say your brother and sisters names? want to race? i'll give you one name head start. ready, one, two, three, go. (both speaking at once) (laughter) >> stephen: very good. very good. >> oh, that's cute! >> stephen: now you're known -- you have talents. you're known as being a very genuine person. can you teach know fake that? (laughter) >> i can fake through it. >> stephen: it is eye contact? is that what it is? >> well, some of it is. what do you any are you falling for it? >> i fell for you in 1974. >> that's sweet.
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well maybe we can keep it up so we can see how that goes. >> stephen: sure. (laughter) (cheers and applause) this book was originally a speech that you gave at the university of tennessee, right? >> actually, it was. i did the commencement speech three years ago at u.t. and i was very nervous because i don't like to make speeches, i don't feel like i'm smart enough or educated enough in that way to talk to all those educated people. but since it was my home area and i had become -- i had done pretty good for a local girl they accepted me. it didn't hurt that i came out singing "rocky top" which is their theme song there. so by the time we finished it went over well and then they encouraged me to expand on it and write the book. if in our imagination library we have what we call four principles or steps. it's like dream more, learn more care more, be more. >> stephen: what about make more? >> i'm far, too.
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yeah. >> stephen: because if you make more sometimes you don't have to care more. >> (laughs) that's true! >> stephen: well, i've had a dream which is that i'd love to do a song with you. (cheers and applause) can i do a song with you? all right, we'll be b right back with a performance by the author of ,xbwn3pú&8,új ,xo
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>> stephen: welcome back. folks, now pretty little thing
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called "love is like a butterfly" miss dolly parton. ♪ love is like a --. >> stephen: all right i (bleep)ed up already. ♪ love is like a butterfly as soft and gentle as a -- ♪ >> he's just scared. you calm down now. >> stephen: i'm scared. welcome back. now we'd like to sing a pretty little song called love is like a butterfly with miss dolly parton. (applause) dolly, ordinarily you'd play the guitar but -- >> i can't because my nails are too long for this particular guitar. so can you just struggle through it? >> stephen: no i cannot. (laughter) >> would you try? >> stephen: we'll start the song without guitar and i'll jump in with the guitar and good lord jesus help us. (laughter)
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>> pray for us. ♪ love is like a --. >> stephen: wait, wait. ♪ love is like a butterfly ♪ as soft and gentle as a sigh ♪ the multicolored moods of love are like its satin wings ♪ love makes your heart feel strange inside ♪ it flutters like soft wings in flight ♪ love is like a butterfly ♪ a rare and gentle thing ♪ i feel it when you're with me it happens when you kiss me that rare and gentle feeling ♪ that i feel inside your touch is soft and gentle ♪ your kiss is warm and tender ♪ wherever i am with you i think of butterflies note? ready? ♪ love is like a butterfly, as soft and gentle as a high, a multicolored moods of love
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♪ are like its satin wings. ♪ love makes your heart feel strange inside it flutters like soft wings in flight ♪ love is like a butterfly, a rare and gentle thing ♪ ♪ a rare and gentle thing >> (laughs) >> stephen: dolly parton! (cheers and applause) dolly partonry
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: well that's it for the "report," everybody. good night.


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